...Correction I HAD the
blues- my days are a little brighter now that I got some great advice,
priceless support, a trip to the doctor and a prescription. After some time I am coming clean- I am
on meds. It became so clear to me that I had more than just the baby blues most
women experience after birth. I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression.
Let me first make it very clear that at NO time did I ever regret
getting pregnant and having Lily. And at NO time did I ever want to harm my
child or myself. It is so hard to really explain how I felt unless you are a
mother who experienced baby blues or you are a doctor…but I will try. At first
I was so overwhelmed when Lily would cry. Not because I didn’t know what I was doing.
The every day care for Lily was not a problem. It came so naturally to know
when to feed her, change her…she was (and still is) a pretty easy-going baby. However, she
would have moments where she would get so upset and it would pain me to hear
her cry. I had to learn to be calm as baby’s can sense people’s feelings. I
know most of you are saying, “depression over being sad if your kid is
crying….every parent feels that way!”
It goes deeper than that and that is why it is so hard to explain.
When she would
cry it would tear me to pieces. At any time of the day I would spiral into
these horrible what if scenarios that left me in mini panic episodes. I would
daydream about people coming into the house and kidnapping her. People hurting
her. Killing her! It was awful. I would try and stop myself and say- “Amy get a
grip….everything is fine…” I found myself getting tense when Mike or anyone
else was holding Lily. I only felt a sense of calm when I had her. I also
noticed that I started to get upset so easily over trivial issues like spilt
milk. There were parts of everyday where I would just get unbearably sad and sob.
A HUGE part of my depression was what pregnancy did to my
body. I know I had the worst eating habits while I was pregnant. I also
couldn’t exercise. Even 15 minute walks brought on these horrible cramps that I
was advised by my doctor to stop. So with no exercise and a hamburger diet I
hit a weight that I thought I would never see. Now most of my girlfriends who
had babies have bounced right back to being their cute adorable selves => envious!
I have struggled with the weight loss. The old saying that when you breastfeed
you loose weight due to more calories being burned is a CROCK! Because my body
is working so hard to produce milk I am always hungry! I have recently decided
that this milk factory is closing shop ( that will be explained in another
post)! I just started to get back in the gym and it feels great. Thanks to my
mom for watching Lily- I escape to the gym and meet with a trainer to help get the
ball rolling to getting my body back.
Prior to taking medication I only told a few people that I
was experiencing some major depression like symptoms. I remember when it became
so clear to me that I was depressed and needed some help that I broke down at
the dinner table with Mike. Coming to that conclusion made me feel like I was a
loser and that I was a horrible mother because I couldn’t handle my emotions. I went to the doctor a few days later
and received confirmation that I had postpartum depression. During one of my
Friday play dates with some fabulous friends I came clean with them about what
was going on. I was given such uplifting praise and advice. The ladies gave me
that extra push I needed to take the prescription that I had been sitting on
for a week. It only took me three days to feel a difference. I didn’t wake up
and feel like Mrs. Brady; however, I was happy. Calm. I now get urges to get
out of the house and run errands rather than stay at home in my comfort
zone. I probably wouldn’t have taken the leap to leave the house and Lily
behind to go workout if I wasn’t on meds. It helps with the feelings of guilt over
leaving Lily. I have come to the realization
that I need “me” time to be a better mom. Now I still have times of anxiety and
worry about her but word on the street is that I will have these feelings
forever as a parent. I am just in a better position now to deal with these
crazy emotions. So there it is. I have happy pills. Hopefully I won’t need them
in the near future…but for now this is my reality.
**By the way it has
taken me about two hours to type this- I was and still am nervous about
exposing this. But this is my life as a parent and being honest with myself was
the first step to getting help. And I just hope that other mommies out there
who are having a tough time just seek help before it gets worse for them**
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