bittersweet...

Today is bittersweet. Feels like I chugged a bottle of vinegar! Today after two days of attempts Lily finally drank some formula. This milk factory is closing down! I have been struggling with coming to this decision for a long time! I never experienced the pain and discomfort that some women have breastfeeding and I am so thankful for that. I just feel like I am a slave to feedings. I hate to feed out in public and Lily is hungry every two hours!! So by the time I stop feeding her I have to quickly get out and get errands done before I need to be back home to feed her all over again. At two months I was really thinking of throwing in the towel. Formula is so expensive and I knew that if I could hang in there Lily would be getting the very best nutrients from my milk. I made the decision to wait until she was six months.

Now that she is almost seven months I am finally making the change. I am looking forward to the freedom to being able to feed her in public. I am looking forward to having some wine and not worrying about how much! I am looking forward to being able to go on a date night with my husband and not fooling with pumping. I am totally looking forward to my chest returning to its pre-baby size so I can exercise without distractions...TMI I know! Plus when I do exercise my milk supply heavily decreases! But I am going to miss the bonding time. Even though I am switching to bottles I still want to be the one feeding them to her. Of course I will let Mike feed her once and awhile, but I still want it to be our time together. So hopefully tomorrow Lily will drink some more and I will slowly be able to ween her. And hopefully this will start to taste sweeter with time...

I’ve got the blues….the baby blues...

...Correction I HAD the blues- my days are a little brighter now that I got some great advice, priceless support, a trip to the doctor and a prescription.  After some time I am coming clean- I am on meds. It became so clear to me that I had more than just the baby blues most women experience after birth. I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression.

Let me first make it very clear that at NO time did I ever regret getting pregnant and having Lily. And at NO time did I ever want to harm my child or myself. It is so hard to really explain how I felt unless you are a mother who experienced baby blues or you are a doctor…but I will try. At first I was so overwhelmed when Lily would cry. Not because I didn’t know what I was doing. The every day care for Lily was not a problem. It came so naturally to know when to feed her, change her…she was (and still is) a pretty easy-going baby. However, she would have moments where she would get so upset and it would pain me to hear her cry. I had to learn to be calm as baby’s can sense people’s feelings. I know most of you are saying, “depression over being sad if your kid is crying….every parent feels that way!”  It goes deeper than that and that is why it is so hard to explain.

 When she would cry it would tear me to pieces. At any time of the day I would spiral into these horrible what if scenarios that left me in mini panic episodes. I would daydream about people coming into the house and kidnapping her. People hurting her. Killing her! It was awful. I would try and stop myself and say- “Amy get a grip….everything is fine…” I found myself getting tense when Mike or anyone else was holding Lily. I only felt a sense of calm when I had her. I also noticed that I started to get upset so easily over trivial issues like spilt milk. There were parts of everyday where I would just get unbearably sad and sob. 

A HUGE part of my depression was what pregnancy did to my body. I know I had the worst eating habits while I was pregnant. I also couldn’t exercise. Even 15 minute walks brought on these horrible cramps that I was advised by my doctor to stop. So with no exercise and a hamburger diet I hit a weight that I thought I would never see. Now most of my girlfriends who had babies have bounced right back to being their cute adorable selves => envious! I have struggled with the weight loss. The old saying that when you breastfeed you loose weight due to more calories being burned is a CROCK! Because my body is working so hard to produce milk I am always hungry! I have recently decided that this milk factory is closing shop ( that will be explained in another post)! I just started to get back in the gym and it feels great. Thanks to my mom for watching Lily- I escape to the gym and meet with a trainer to help get the ball rolling to getting my body back.

Prior to taking medication I only told a few people that I was experiencing some major depression like symptoms. I remember when it became so clear to me that I was depressed and needed some help that I broke down at the dinner table with Mike. Coming to that conclusion made me feel like I was a loser and that I was a horrible mother because I couldn’t handle my emotions.  I went to the doctor a few days later and received confirmation that I had postpartum depression. During one of my Friday play dates with some fabulous friends I came clean with them about what was going on. I was given such uplifting praise and advice. The ladies gave me that extra push I needed to take the prescription that I had been sitting on for a week. It only took me three days to feel a difference. I didn’t wake up and feel like Mrs. Brady; however, I was happy. Calm. I now get urges to get out of the house and run errands  rather than stay at home in my comfort zone. I probably wouldn’t have taken the leap to leave the house and Lily behind to go workout if I wasn’t on meds. It helps with the feelings of guilt over leaving Lily.  I have come to the realization that I need “me” time to be a better mom. Now I still have times of anxiety and worry about her but word on the street is that I will have these feelings forever as a parent. I am just in a better position now to deal with these crazy emotions. So there it is. I have happy pills. Hopefully I won’t need them in the near future…but for now this is my reality.

**By the way it has taken me about two hours to type this- I was and still am nervous about exposing this. But this is my life as a parent and being honest with myself was the first step to getting help. And I just hope that other mommies out there who are having a tough time just seek help before it gets worse for them**

(My mom, brother and me)

I gave much deserved credit to my wonderful husband a view posts ago for being extremely supportive on the road to parenthood. There is another person who deserves a major shout out….my mom! From the first phone call after I saw the “yes” on the stick to the day I brought Lily home, my mom has been the biggest help. I can say with 100% that I would not have been able to stay sane through my pregnancy and stay somewhat sane up to this moment without her.

Living only a few minutes away she would pop over with yummy homemade banana bread or other tasty treats while I was preggo. She was always down to meet me for lunch, like at BJ’s where I would moan over some of my top cravings -BBQ salad or their tomato bisque or a mini Hawaiian pizza=> my mouth is watering now! Not only did she come over to feed my cravings, but she was always bringing Lily gifts. There were only a handful of times that my mom walked through our door without carrying an adorably wrapped gift!

Now I hated cooking while I was pregnant- and NO this was not a ploy to get Mike in the kitchen while I sat and watched! The thought of dealing with raw food made me gag! That is one of the main reasons why I ate out 90% of the time that Mike was out of town (and THE reason why I gained so much weight!).  One night while mike was out of town the power went out in the neighborhood. Of course eating an apple or a BB&J was not in the cards, and as I grabbed my keys it dawned on me that I couldn’t get my car out of the garage without power!! My wonderful mother came to my rescue and drove me to the closest McDonalds. Those fries tasted AHmazing. When I got home I started to light candles to give me a little light to wolf down my burger, when the smell of the scented wax made me dizzy!  I called my mom and being the amazing woman she was she drove back to pick me up so I could go back to their house and be in a non-yankee candle environment! She did anything she could to make me comfortable! The last few days she even sat next to my pool to keep me company as I floated on a raft moaning and teary eyed that I was STILL pregnant…any pregnant woman can attest that those last days drag on like no tomorrow!

My mom was there during the birth to help hold my feet and take the very first pictures of Lily. During my stay at the hospital she was bringing me coke and jimmy johns sandwiches (major thumbs down to hospital food).  I got the best care while at the hospital because my mom had a secret weapon….Starbucks cake pops. She came with individually boxed cake pops (pink ones!!) and any nurse or staff that came to my room to help she would give them sweet treats. Anytime I needed anything the nurses were so eager to come and help me because my mom went out of her way to make sure the nurses knew they were appreciated!  I will remember this when it is my turn with Lily.  Today if I eat one of those cake pops I am flooded with memories of the first few days with Lily in the hospital.

When we got home from the hospital I was greeted with balloons, a cute pink wreath on the door, beautiful flowers in the kitchen and in my bathroom. Plus she had food and snacks to last us and company for a week….not including all the pre made freezer foods!  My parents even took our dog Bentley while we were in the hospital and for our first few days home so we could have some adjustment time. I think we are still adjusting! As a mom she has been a wealth of knowledge from learning to be calm when Lily cries to breastfeeding tips. She often tells me I am doing a good job and boosts my self-confidence as a first time mom. 

She has been an amazing mother my whole life. Ever since I can remember she has showered my brother and me with so much love.  She was my very first friend, and remains the closest one I have.  I can only hope that when the time comes for Lily to be a mommy I can be the rock for Lily like my mom has been for me.

Thanks mom for the whole enchilada! Love you! xoxo

It is official.....I STINK at blogging!!!!!

Life feels like it is just flying by. Lily is 6 months and two weeks old!! Just yesterday she decided to sit up! She falls to the side and to the back when she reaches for something...but baby girl can sit up!!! Since the last time I have posted Lily is sleeping in her crib and in her room!!! It has been fabulous for Mike and I- PLUS she sleeps through the night! AMEN ;)

We had our first holiday season with our little bean, and it is wonderful to experience it through Lily's eyes! She loved Christmas! I think she enjoyed the tissue and wrapping paper more than the gifts!!!

Yikes- the bean is up and rolling around in the crib- hopefully I will be able to post later, but here is picture of Lily....how I love that smile!!!

This is LOOOONG overdue. I have expressed my deepest gratitude to my husband personally and I want to let all my friends and family know how the last year would not be possible if I did not have such a supportive partner in Mike.

For obvious reasons I would not be sitting here today looking over at the sweetest child swaying in her swing if it wasn’t for my “co-producer” Mike. From the day we found out I was pregnant Mike was ecstatic for our growing family!

From reading my past posts it is quite evident that I did not have the happiest experience being pregnant. Thanks to my husband and loving mother I do not know how I would have had the peace of mind to last the entire 9 + months and labor without them!

When we found out we were going to have a little girl I was a wee bit nervous, as I knew Mike wanted a boy so bad.  I knew that if he had a boy first it might be easier to get all the “baby firsts” out of the way until he juggled joining team pink. But it was somewhere during the sixth month that while driving Mike confessed he was actually happier to be a daddy to a girl….that day I fell in love with him even more. I knew he would be that dad holding flowers for Lily as we watched her dance during a recital. That dad that would stand up to give a huge “Goooooo Lily” when she ran onto the stage for a cheer competition. The dad that would allow his daughter to put a dress and hat on him for a late afternoon tea party with her favorite stuffed toys.  That kinda dad. I had always known he would be that way…it was a main reason why I said, “I do.”

During my pregnancy he was wonderful. Do NOT get me wrong there were tons of moments in my high hormone rages that I wanted him to pack up and leave for a few days. It did take him a LONG time to figure out how to cope with a pregnant wife. There were some days I almost fell asleep at the dinner table and couldn’t listen to how his day went because I was so tired. There were weekends were I slept the ENTIRE time to catch up from work or prepare for work the next week.  Then there were those moments where every pregnant woman cries. Cries for any reason at all. Those were the toughest for Mike. Especially those huge crocodile tear fests. When I would get all Miss Diva Hormone. He had a hard time just sitting back and accepting that this “B!%@h “ attitude was something I could not control. I eventually went to Barnes & Noble and bought him a book. A funny book written to explain to him what us woman truly going through while we grown a human being inside our bellies! That booked saved us from so many future arguments. There were a few points were I would start to moan about a new pregnancy symptom and Mike would jump into the conversation telling me he understood what I was going through because he read it in the book! One.Of.The.Best.Purchases.Ever! 

Besides the lack of knowledge on how to deal with a raging bull of a wife, Mike stepped up big time in all other avenues of being a supportive daddy-to-be (well minus back rubs- his consisted of a one finger dagger rub- very painful!). Basically during my entire pregnancy I had a horrible time preparing food. The smells made me want to curl up into a ball. Mike was my amazing in home chef. And by in home chef I do mean- mac-n-cheese and pankcakes….meals for champions! Also during my every hour bathroom trip during the middle of the night I would find myself dehydrated and often starving! Mike would get up, fill up my cup and bring me some oatmeal or cheerios.

I also had an extremely hard time during my pregnancy at how my body changed physically. No one can prepare you. And by the way, SCREW those Mtv teens that pop out their babies and look normal by the next episode.  Sorry had to vent as I just saw a commercial on tv for that horrible show. When it came to what was changing physically, Mike was my rock. Between the acne, gas, grey hair (yes I got grey hair people!) stretch marks and apparent massive weight gain, Mike told me he loved me everyday.  

Once Lily was born I discovered I really hit the jack pot when it came to husbands. I mean he truly goes out of his way to make sure he is there for both of us. I know it kills him to be on the road. So sometimes Mike will get up extra early to get on the road instead of leaving the night before so he can be there just for bath time rituals! Every morning he is home he helps me tremendously by taking Lily in the morning so I can take a shower ( a luxury for mommies!).  He makes coffee every day….something I know we both need to combat the day, but still it is one less thing I have to do in the morning. These are just some of the many things Mike does....

So to my loving husband, I thank you. Thank you for being my better half, my rock….Thank you for loving me through the good and the bad times on the road to being parents. You have given me so much, but the most amazing gift you have ever given me is the gift of motherhood.  I love you so much muffin…. 

soaking it up....

Where has the last 3 1/2 months gone??? It is true that the time leading up to having a baby goes at a snails pace and as soon as you deliver the minutes fly by. I try to soak up every minute. We recently went to Hilton Head to visit my Nana & Papa and as we were riding around in my Nana's golf cart she gave me some great advice. She told me not to wish away my baby's life. As soon as she said it I didn't understand. I quickly skimmed over things I had done or said that may have provoked her to say this. My Nana explained that I shouldn't wish for future milestones, as they will be here before you know it. Just soak up the time now because she will be grown before you know it. She would know raising seven kids!!! I have caught myself since then saying, "Oh Lily I can't wait until you can full wrap your hand around me and hug me!" After I said that I stopped and reminded myself of what my Nana had told me. So I just hugged her tight and was happy with where we are today. Today, when I hold Lily (btw no holding her like a baby any more! She must be held sitting up so she can view the world!) she will hold one of her arms over my shoulders and wiggle her fingers around searching for something to grab. Sometimes she just grips my shirt or rubs my shoulder. Most of the time the princess snags a hold of my hair- OUCH! So I am soaking this up. One day she will hug me back....but at the moment I am content watching her little fingers squirm around learning the sensation of textures.

What else am I soaking up- the trip I told you about. My mom, Lily and I drove to visit my Grandma, Aunt, Uncle and cousins in Augusta Georgia and then hiked it to Hilton Head to visit my Nana & Papa. I was so excited that Lily was meeting her great grandparents on both sides! I never got the chance to meet my great grandparents, and it was so special to give Lily and my grandparents that moment. I was so nervous about the long drive to Augusta- BUT Lily did awesome! Better than awesome! Of course she cried when she was hungry but other than that she had a grand 'ole time hanging out with my mom, her Nana, in the back seat! It just was a looooooooong trip for my mom and me. Lily is still on a every flipping 2 hour feeding schedule- so by the time I pulled over, fed her, changed her, ran to the ladies room and started driving again we only got about an hour or so of driving before I had to pull over and start it all over again!!! So we left the house at 10:30 am and reached GA at 8:15 pm! I learned my lesson, so we left after supper from Hilton Head and Lily slept the entire way home. I look forward to going back so I can capture some more memories for Lily, BUT we will be waiting until she can go longer in between feedings and will be driving at night!!

Lily and her Great Grandma Boykin (GA)

Lily with my cousin Will (GA- go dawgs;))

Showing her a fallen leaf ( don't get to many of these in FL)

Enjoying the outdoors with my fabulous Aunt Jane (GA)

Lilster and her Great Papa Montgomery (SC)- I heart this picture

Lily enjoying herslef with her Great Nana (SC)- I caught the right moment ;)

Aunt Carla drove down from Charlotte

Four generations :)

Tomorrow my baby will be 7 weeks old. People are not kidding when they tell you that time will fly by when you have your kids. 7 weeks….that is bananas. But when I sit back and think of the wild ride we were on to get to this 7 week marker it blows my mind. Everything I thought I knew, what I was told, and what I built my confidence level up to for labor went right out the window the minute I woke up on the day to go to the hospital! So here is the story of the birth of our precious Lily Mackenzie….

I was scheduled to give birth on June 21^st.  We were suppose to be at the hospital at 6:15 a to start induction…the moment I had been yearning for over 9+ months.  Sleep was really out of the question as I was experiencing a horde of emotions. I was beyond excited to finally meet this being that had taken over my body. I had started to get nervous and scared of all the what ifs that could arise during labor. Nervous also that from June 21^st on I was responsible for taking care and raising another human being….would I do it right?

As Mike and I began to pack the car with our hospital bags that had been patiently waiting on our dining room tables for weeks we got the call I did not want. Yep they had to push back the induction. The hospital was over crowded with other ladies trying to give birth. No fair. I was told that they would call us and to expect that it would only be about 2 hours, 3 at most. I was told by the nurse that I could only have a very small portion of something to eat since I had not had anything since dinner the night before (guidelines for induction!). So I had the tiniest bowl of cheerios and settled on the couch and began to watch the tv & the clock for the next 3 hours. After no word I called the hospital to check the status and again it was still over crowded and there was nothing they could do since more woman had arrived in emergency during active labor. Of course I understood that active labor triumphed my induction, BUT I was on the verge of a meltdown. I was full of emotions, tired and an extremely hungry pregnant woman.  I was told they would call me back in 2 more hours and that they would work hard to get me in around 12:15 so I could be induced today. I kinda freaked out then. I had not prepared myself that I would have to wait another full day if they couldn’t get me in by noon! I took some breaths and tried to close my eyes for a bit. At 12:15 I was on the phone again asking the status. The nurses knew who I was, and I hated to be that woman, but I didn’t care! Thank goodness that the woman on the end of the line was a saint and I was already so dilated & I had an amazing doc on call because they told be to come in around 2:30 and that they would start me today!! THANK GOD! 1:40 came and we were in the car and off. I just wanted to get there! We were told that we might have to wait a bit, but that they wanted me there waiting so I could get in as soon as a bed opened up. I think we waited about 35 minutes when were finally called back and that is when the “omg-this-is-really-happening” set in.

The room was big and spacious, but I had no time to really look around before I was in a gown and getting an IV. The monitors showed I was having contractions already….so that was what those cramps were! And then Dr. Botello showed up to break my water.  Best description is that I was peeing myself and continuously doing so on and off during the entire labor process! I was scared because I was told that there was meconium (baby poop) found, which could be harmful to the baby. They said the amount found was reassuring and they would keep checking during labor. As soon as my water broke the contractions got worse. The monitors next to the bed showed when I was having one and how strong/long they were….so, I hardly looked over to view it during a contraction, only after to see how bad it was. To get an epidural you had to get an IV full of fluid. I lasted as long as I could knowing that the epidural could slow down labor.  That IV seemed like it took forever!!! As soon as it was gone the nurse walked in with another one…I was not prepared for that curve ball! She harnessed a contraption on it to squeeze it so it would pump faster into the IV.  During the waiting game the contractions were horrendous. I tried slow deep breaths and inside my head

I kept telling myself “you can do it”. Now in between these horrid contractions I had my mom and Mike sitting less than 10 feet from one another, one on their iphone and the other clutching an ipad playing words with friends against EACHOTHER! I know the game can be addicting but come ON! As I would be huffing in and out making noises like a drowned cat, I would hear “Oh man that was a good word” from one of them and then the other laugh as they soaked in victory. I let it go on for a while as I concentrated on pushing out a watermelon until I had had enough. I screamed at them to shut up. I know I used some expletives….but , no other woman who has gone through labor would blame me! When I had finally accomplished the two bags of IV fluid I had a team of people in the room helping me gear up for the epidural. The nurses had asked me to sit up and swing my legs over the edge of the bed. They said it like it was as easy as breathing. I had to have Mike help we as the pain was so bad it made moving unbearable. I kept telling myself that I would get the goods soon and the pain would be gone to help with the contractions during the procedure. Gosh was it weird. I got horrible cramping, which I was told was a good sign. I then had these weird sharp spasms when the meds went in…again to be expected. I was told it would be happy as a lark in 15 minutes….I told myself I could do it. 15 minutes later and I felt like I was dying. Another doc came in and injected the line with meds that were supposed to take effect in 5 minutes. 6 minutes later I was crying out in pain. Another doc came in scrambling through her pocket for the needle of meds she would inject. Again nothing. I literally didn’t know if I could make it. The pain was unbearable. Finally the original anesthesiologist came in and said that my line had moved out of place. And they would have to re-do my epidural. She said this was most likely due to my scoliosis (curved spine) and that she would have to go lower it. Again the nurses asked me to sit up and move my legs over the side of the bed. I looked at them like they were smoking crack. This time the nurse and Mike had to help me. At one point during a rest in between contractions I felt wetness from one of my boobs. I looked to my nurses and said, “I think I have milk spraying out..” they laughed and said it was normal. The doc finally found the spot for the epidural and the meds kicked in pretty quickly. As I moved my legs back over I looked to see if I was spraying milk and realized I was dripping sweat. I was in such pain I couldn’t distinguish milk from sweat!

DRUGS ARE AMAZING. I felt like a new woman when they kicked in! After a while of turning from side to side to help with the dilation I started to get a little loopy. The loopy turned to feeling a little dizzy. Then the room started to spin faster and I felt like I was going to pass out. I remember my nurse coming in and reading my blood pressure & call in the head nurse who then called for the doctor. I remember 3 doctors came rushing in and then 3 other nurses. They started to lay me down, raise the bed so my feet were in the air and put the oxygen on. Then I was given a shot of epinephrine to speed my heart rate. My blood pressure had dropped all the way to 55 over 30, which is insanely low.  For two more hours my BP went up and down and I had to have another shot of epinephrine. I was close to having a c-section because of it. I was later told that with both epidurals it was a little too much for my body, and it wasn’t that rare, however the level of which my BP dropped was!

I tried to keep calm; however, it was hard looking at both my mom and Mike’s worried faces. Eventually my BP leveled out and finally 9 hours from when we began it was time to push. I pushed for two hours.  The first hour felt like a lifetime. Lily was stuck and I was getting looks from the nurse and Dr. Botello that this was about to be a c-section. Something in me snapped and something supernatural took over and I was giving “amazing” pushes said my doctor.  I remember seeing a scalpel being handed over to the doctor and that is when I knew I was going to have an episiotomy….there was no time to dwell on that because all my energy was needed to push. And then there she was. It was an experience words hardly do justice. She was beautiful even covered in slime and looking so swollen. I didn’t get to hold her  for more than a few seconds before they had to check on the meconium and she if her lungs were okay. From her cries, I had no worries! When they handed her back to me all bundled up I could not stop crying. I was so overwhelmed with love and happiness. My heart was breaking from the immeasurable amount of love pouring from it for that child in my arms. I was forever changed at that moment. I was a proud mommy.

Lily arrived a day later than planned. I met my little darling at 3:05 am on June 22^nd, weighing in at 8.2 lbs and 20 ½ inches! Mike and I are truly blessed and everyday we wake up we thank God for this amazing gift of parenthood. Of course I am bias, but Lily is an amazing child. She is perfect. Of course there are moments of crying, major diaper changes,  and sleep deprivation…but  we wouldn’t trade it for anything. These last 7 weeks have flown by. And I wish she would stay small, but I can’t wait for all the milestones the future brings….

*By the way this has taken me a whole day to type up between feeding her, changing diapers, play time, and trying to rock her to sleep for her small naps! Hopefully I can find the time to write about the first 7 weeks before another 7 weeks pass*

Enjoy some pictures …

(please do not give out the blog, as these stories and pictures are private and only met for my close friends and family)

more pics to come...

2 + 1 = 3 :)

Tomorrow we finally get to meet our precious Lily. I cannot take this huge grin off my face. I was really nervous all day....it hit me after our am doctor's visit that  it would no longer be just Mike and I....we would have an actual human being depending on us for the rest of our lives. I was, and still am, scared/nervous for the actual labor process. There WILL be an epidural...kudos to those wackos out there that can push out a watermelon without the need for pain meds.....I am not that kind of woman and never will be. I cry over paper cuts people. I wonder how long I will last, how long labor will be, and most importantly if I will be able to go the non-c section route. Whatever is safest for Lily will have to do but I would love not having to deal with post surgery Amy. If I cry over paper cuts, imagine how I am after surgery!

Having this huge grin is a total 180 for how I have been over the last two weeks, especially the last week! I always heard that the end of your pregnancy is so hard, you are so tired ya di ya.....well it was unbearable for me. This was not an easy pregnancy and towards the end almost everyday I was experiencing something new or even more difficulties with the symptoms I was having. It was such a mind game I wasn't prepared for. You see I am a MAJOR planner, and the game began at our 36 week check up when I was surprised to find that I was already 70% effaced. It seemed everyone I spoke to said wow you could go early...so the planner in me started to prepare myself for that scenario. At 37 weeks I was 75% effaced and already dilated 1 cm! Then more people said I bet you go at 38 weeks....so I got even more excited. At 38 weeks I had no change. The doctor even stripped my membrane to help induce labor. It doesn't always work but if it does you are expected to have the baby within 3 days. It was a very painful procedure, but I didn't care....all I wanted was to be done and have my baby! Four days later no baby...I hit a wall and started to second guess a little but was still hopeful that I would go before 40 weeks. At 39 weeks I hit 2-3 cm and 80%- I thought for sure I would go at any point!!! That doctor tried to strip my membrane again just to see if it would work...this time it was even more painful and what do you know, it did not work....At 40 weeks no change again!!! There I am, Mrs. planner, all ready for baby because of all these signs of being dilated and getting my membrane stripped, and then nothing....I was so emotional. On top of that I have had family and friends email, text and call daily wondering where she is. One day I had  had it and did not answer my phone at all, not even for my dad. I called my mom crying. Sobbing I yelled "I have NO clue when she is coming, I am going to be pregnant forever, I want people to stop asking!" Know now that I totally understand and appreciate all the caring friends and family I have. It is has been so tough because I felt like I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. NOW I do! Now I smile instead of cry because tomorrow it all comes to an end and I finally get to meet this child inside me.

I kept myself busy all day and didn't take a nap so I could hopefully get some sleep tonight....I will be surprised if I get 2 hours....I am so pumped. We have to be at the hospital tomorrow morning at 6:15 to start the induction! June 21st will be my baby's birth date!!!  Gotta run and finish packing Mike's bag, mine has been packed for weeks;)

Sweet moments..

Now anyone who knows me knows that I am a lover all things music...some of my biggest moments in my life thus far are matched with a song/artist/concert ya di ya. I only hope that Lily has a love and passion for music like I do. When I was a little girl I used to carry around a little tape recorder with a microphone and belt out Whitney tunes. I took it even farther when I put dance moves to it and made my family sit and watch me for long periods of time as I performed my concerts....there is embarrassing video of this too! I was obsessed with Whitney and Michael Jackson. I even had a full length poster on the back of my door when we lived in Florida- so that was preschool-kindergarten era. I have played music for Lily throughout the pregnancy and sing to her all the time. One song I sing often is "I'll be there" by none other MJ and the Jackson 5. The other song I sing to her is Stevie Wonder's "isn't she lovely"....and my mom actually found a cute wall plaque with some of the lyrics! So here you go- enjoy two sweet songs that I sing to my sweet Lily often....

"I'll be there"

"Isn't She Lovely" cover by Kevin McHale from Glee

"You Spin Me Right Round..."

Oh boys & girls did we have an interesting night last night!! Around 4:15 I woke up to flip to my other side (happens countless times each night to get comfortable) and I felt so dizzy. I was a little shocked but I first thought I must have just been in a deep sleep to cause this. I have gotten light headed twice- last time it was at the doctors and I stood up to quickly. BUT when I shut my eyes I started to get the spins....I woke up and tried to move to a different position and I felt like I was moving in slow motion. I decided to try and get up and walk to the restroom. As I was walking I felt like a pin ball bouncing to each wall and I barely made it to the toilet. I sat there for about 2 minutes but the room was spinning and I knew I should not try to walk back to the bed so I called to Mike. He jumped out of bed to rush to see what was going on. It took 3 attempts to stand up before we were successful. But I could barely hold myself up, each time I tried to move my head to look at mike or back to the bed I was sent into a horrible spin. We called the on call doctor and she told me to lay down and just rest and that if I still had it in the morning that they would have me come in to check my blood pressure. Well thanks to Mike's old pharma job we have a blood pressure machine that he used to give to doctors. The first time he took it it was low, so I sat up to retake it. I was fine. I just laid back down and proceeded to cry- mostly because in my head I was freaked out, tired and thought something was wrong. But after 2 hours of spinning I finally past out. I woke up 2 hours later and felt okay. I was just really weak. I can't imagine people that have to battle vertigo often- it is horrible!!! My friend Meg has been dealing with this for 10 flipping weeks since the birth of her daughter Piper. Docs told her it was due to dehydration...needless to say I will be drinking loads more water when Lily is born!

Tomorrow will mark 38 weeks....only 2 more left. Just wondering what other pregnancy woes I will encounter before birth! Anyways that is a quick update! My next appointment is this Friday and I am wondering if I will be any further along than what I measured last week!

Maternity pics

So I totally caved and we got maternity pics. I really hate any pictures of me right now- I feel like a whale with the weight gain and swollen hands/arms/face/feet...ya di ya!! My friend Eva's husband does photography and did the pics almost for free so I took the offer so Lily will have pictures of being in my belly ;) The day was full of stress that ended up in laughter...to feel pretty I went to Saks to get my makeup done at MAC. Of course it was prom and the place was packed and I think they called anyone who worked for MAC to come and help because the chick I had painted my face like a drag queen!! Seriously people I think Rupaul looked better than I did! Now I told her it was for a maternity session and I wanted light pinks, even told her the lipstick I was going to use.....homegirl painted my already black eye brows even blacker and painted them BIGGER! She went way too dark on the lid and smeared white shimmer on the upper brow! She went way over my lips to make them bigger - and used a pencil 3 shades darker than the light pink lipstick- needless to say I quickly left Saks and drove home and cried! I know it was bad when I pulled up and Mike couldn't stop starring at me, and saying "Whoa babe, that is crazy....that is really bad"...he even followed me into the bathroom as I performed damage control and kept repeating "that is bad", I think he was in such shock but all it did was make this preggo cry harder! In the end I washed my face and did it myself!!! I was able to laugh about it later!
So here are the pics!

And here it is...

We are finally done with Lily's room. The only thing left to do is fill frames with pictures! AND I had to buy a different chic crib skirt that I probably won't get until I am in the hospital due to its popularity at Pottery Barn, cute thing is that it came from the "Lily" collection!!! I hope Lily likes pink!!! I can't wait until she is born and she breathes life into the room! Anyways here are some pics!

The dresser in the closet was actually my baby dresser!! We just had it antiqued! 

The two dolls & plate were mine as a baby, the frame holds the adorable baby shower invite, and the framed knit top was made by Lily's Great Great Grandma for her Great Nana!

The decal I ordered off Etsy ;)

Well that is it! I really hope she likes it! 3 more weeks!!!!

So Blessed!

Alisha Chwala & Emily Ley made me feel so blessed. These two lovely ladies through an amazing baby shower. The shower was perfect in every way. First, the invitations that Emily created through her own company (Emily Ley Paper) made me tear up they were so lovely. I loved the color scheme of pink and green and the monogram she created for Lily was so deliciously sweet and used throughout the shower! The invitation was a great preview of the decor Alisha and Emily thought of. I am a lover of flowers and have fresh flowers somewhere in my house at all times- and the flowers at the shower were perfect! There was a frame that all attendees got to sign sweet messages and I now have on Lily's bookshelf.

Outside these creative ladies came up with a "bow making" table. I thought this was the cutest idea ever! There were tons of headbands, clips, flowers and ribbons where everyone was able to create some adorable hair pieces for my little Lily! Also outside around Alisha's gorgeous pool was a fine set up of yummy food & drinks and beautiful table layouts. The tables had sweet pink silk tablecloths and custom made green overlays to match the invitation. On each plate was a take home gift - stationary from Emily Ley Paper! Above the food was a cute collage of baby pics of Mike and me! Food was perfect- a brunch inspired menu with fresh fruit, pastries, baked brie, egg casseroles, mini sticky buns, fruit and yogurt parfaits, and Emily made a sock-it-to-me cake! So funny, she told me to go try this cake that her mom gave her and she had no idea that I grew up eating that cake!    
As dessert, Alisha made mouth watering red velvet cupcakes and had them displayed on a cute tower where on top there were pink cake pops!!!!  I am incredibly grateful for all the ladies that made this day so wonderful and making me feel so blessed. Lily was given some amazing gifts and I have so many creative friends that made some amazing things for her. I am going to have a blast having a fashion show with her- so look out for those pics when she arrives! What also made the shower/weekend so special was that Mike's mom, Joyce, was able to fly down and share in this special moment!

Emily and I have only known each other for little less than 3 years. we were able to meet through mutual friends, and pretty much hit it off right from the start. Her husband, Bryan, and Mike are good buddies too and for the past two summers we have our True Blood Sundays. We all have a love for HBO's vampire show, True Blood, and every Sunday we meet and have wine and dinner before the show starts.  It is during these family like Sundays & our Wednesday lunches where we truly bonded and learned so much about each other. It is amazing to sit and think about the conversations we had about our desires to start a family and look where we are now....Emily and Bryan are blessed to have sweet Brady who is now 12 weeks and I only have 3+ weeks until Miss Lily is born. And let it be said, Emily and I have had so much fun planning the arrangement of marriage between our kids! I love you Emily Sue- thank you so much for co-hosting the shower and the love & support for Lily and I!(**also a BIG thank yo to Emily's mom, Mrs. Stephanie Cowan, for giving Lily her first piece of jewelry!!! It is so adorable and I can't wait to put it on her!!)

The only place to start with Alisha is junior high- yep I have known this girl for a looooong time. We went to high school together and even college! If it wasn't for Alisha living in Tampa I could still be in Nashville! I came down to visit her and and 3 weeks later I was driving with my car packed as I made my move to the sunshine state. I was one of Alisha's maid of honors and she was one of my matron of honors. It has been amazing to have her by my side as we have gone through life's moments. I have a lifetime of amazing memories with her that we love to reminisce about often over a good margarita or glass of vino! Alisha has been that friend that has a zest for life and if I am ever in a damper mood she knows exactly how to cheer a sister up! We have pedi's together on the regular where we have our girly time and we either have light conversations about celeb gossip or deep discussions about life's ups and downs. I am fortunate to have her friendship and we will remain friends even until we are some hot old floridian ladies with grey hair and raisin-like skin from our years of drinking margs out on the boat! Thank you Alisha for your hard work in making the baby shower truly magical. I love you sista mary francis xoxoxo.